I've been unintentionally stressed as of late.
I didn't even realize why, until a friend of mine decided to sit me down and talk. Damn if I ever needed it.
My life has, according to my friend, revolved around fear: fear of not being accepted. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not deserving good things.
At first, I thought he was silly: why would I feel such things?
Sure, I have my secrets, but why would I fear being austracized?
I have my differences, but how would that make me feel inadiquate?
I didn't hate myself. I still don't. Why would I feel undeserving?
The last one hit home first: I do fear it--I fear love. It's a scary thing, knowing a living breathing person with their own wants and desires could take an interest to you. Or that you'd have to live up to their standards.
I am scared of that.
So I thought about the rest: yeah. I do fear not being accepted in my family, for reasons I can't get into here on this blog. Not yet.
And I do fear I've failed somehow, for reasons I can't get into here either. Not yet.
There's a file on my computer holding our entire conversation. Read at your own peril, would be my advice
.
I hope everything turns out okay in the end.
With Love,
Nikola Strange.
(Please pardon the typos. I want to publish this before I think too much--now you can see ny piss-poor spelling!! :DD
I didn't even realize why, until a friend of mine decided to sit me down and talk. Damn if I ever needed it.
My life has, according to my friend, revolved around fear: fear of not being accepted. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not deserving good things.
At first, I thought he was silly: why would I feel such things?
Sure, I have my secrets, but why would I fear being austracized?
I have my differences, but how would that make me feel inadiquate?
I didn't hate myself. I still don't. Why would I feel undeserving?
The last one hit home first: I do fear it--I fear love. It's a scary thing, knowing a living breathing person with their own wants and desires could take an interest to you. Or that you'd have to live up to their standards.
I am scared of that.
So I thought about the rest: yeah. I do fear not being accepted in my family, for reasons I can't get into here on this blog. Not yet.
And I do fear I've failed somehow, for reasons I can't get into here either. Not yet.
There's a file on my computer holding our entire conversation. Read at your own peril, would be my advice
.
I hope everything turns out okay in the end.
With Love,
Nikola Strange.
(Please pardon the typos. I want to publish this before I think too much--now you can see ny piss-poor spelling!! :DD
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